Funny Quotes
by purple1girl
Summary: Funny, Hilarious Quotes that I have found that will make you laugh so hard you'll fall off your computer chair. review please


**Quotes, sayings and funny drabbles**

1"I hate you."  
>"That's good. Hate is a passionate emotion."<br>"I'll give you passionate," I muttered under my breath. "Murder the ultimate crime of passion."

2 you can't change the direction of the wind. but you can always adjust your sails

3 "You know how you drown a blonde?"Glue a mirror to the bottom of a pool."

4 "your mom dropped you a lot when you were a baby didn't she," I said. "On your head apparently" I said under my breath

5 Soldier: "Sir, we're surrounded!"

Major: "Good! Now we can attack from any direction

6 "Why do you talk to yourself?" "Cuz I like intelligent conversation."

7 You know, sometimes I wish my grass was emo, so that way it'd cut itself

8 our parents blame it on the generation but do they think about who raised us

9 you ever dare hurt that person, I will not just hurt you, I will kill you and if I don't kill you I will hire someone to kill you and I will watch you die slowly and painfully as they crack every bone in your body over and over again. Do understand me?"

10 it means dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are nature. Nature is beautiful. so technically I'm calling you beautiful

11...so what do you want to do…I dunno  
>well that helps a lot<p>

12 therapists meaning the rapist

13 silence is Golding ductape is silver

14 amateurs build planes professionals built the titanic how do you feel now

15 if all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he was annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it."

16 "I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want you to tell me that you're disgusted with me and that you're going to leave so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay. "Sorry I can't do that"

17 "Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

18 When life gives you lemons, make grape juice and leave the world to figure out how the how heck you did it.

19 Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightening kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.

20 You know you're in love when reality is finally better than your dreams

21 When you're down I may not be able to pick you up, but I promise I'll be willing to lay down right next to you

22 A best friend is someone you can call in the middle of the night and say you murdered someone and they'd ask "Need help hiding the body?

23 "God gave us 2 eyes, 2 hands, 2 feet, 2 arms, and 2 legs, but only 1 heart cause he gave the other to someone else and it's your job to try and find it

24 You can cry a river; you just need to know how to build a bridge

25 When life gives you lemons, throw them back because I mean really? Who likes lemons?

26 Whenever you need a helping hand, you will find one on the end of your arm.

27 Whoever says nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door

28 "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

29"Last time I checked heaven wasn't a bad word. What makes hell one? I mean, it's in the Bible for God's sake!"

30 What is at the end of time, the beginning of all ends, and the beginning of eternity?" the answer is e

31 In a world like ours, you take any compliment you can get.

32 If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

33 The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise man grows it under his feet.

34 If you can read this, thank a teacher, and since it's in English, thank a soldier.

35 You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

36 One day your life will flash before your eyes make sure it's worth watching.

37 The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's an unfamiliar territory

38 The man who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

39 Everyone has a photographic memory - some just don't have film.

40 Last night I lay in bed looking at the stars in the sky and thought 'where the heck is the ceiling?

41 It's cute how stupid you are

42 I know how you feel. I just don't care

43 It worries me how dumb you are

44 Not listening

45 Not caring is fun

46 Your anger makes me happy

47 School is great. There are lots of people to make fun of

48 Its cute how you think I'm listening

49 Know who I don't like, others

50 I don't dislike boys. I dislike everybody

51 If you don't have anything to be sorry for, why apologize

52 i not prejudice i dislike everyone equally

53 you know what better then caring? Not caring

54 you know what's better then not caring? Nothing

55 sorry can't hear you over how epic i am

56 the following statement is false. The previous statement is true

57 things will get better if you want it to. There are two sides to everything, whether it is good or bad, light or dark ,hot or cold, in or out, up or down and yes or no. it might be a very bad point in time but there are always little things that make it better. You might have a 'bad' day but there might have been little things in you day that were 'good'. If you're optimistic about it, the 'good' will always outshine the 'bad'.

58 Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible

59 You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

60 There's this thing called life, and I'm addicted to it. Sorry, but I'm not taking a bullet for you kids.

61 I'm not afraid of Death. What's he going to do, kill me?

62 Earth first. We'll screw up other planets later.

63 I don't need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough.

64 Don't piss me off, I am running out of places to hide bodies!

65 One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

66 Yes I know I'm smarter than the people around me. Yes. I know I'm overconfident in my abilities, and that this will be my downfall, but as long as I fall slower than the loser next to me...It's all good.

67 An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

68 Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege

69 I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every moment of it

70 And the truth is; you could slit my throat; and with my last gasping breath; I'd apologize... For bleeding on your shirt!

71 Got a problem with me? Solve it!  
>Think I'm tripping too much? Tie my shoes!<br>Can't stand me? Sit down!  
>Can't face me? Turn around<p>

72 see my hand see my hand( flipping)see my eyes see my eyes(rolling)see my head see my head (turning)

73 Wanna know why God made Man before Woman? Cuz every master piece needs a rough draft

74 Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies

75 Fortunate people often have very favorable beginnings and very tragic endings. What matters isn't being applauded when you arrive - for that is common - but being missed when you leave.

76 Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

77 If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

78 The 50-50-90 rule: any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

79 With great power, comes great need to take a nap.

80 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

81 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

82 Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

83 Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way; wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

84 Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking.

85 I remember when I was a child and I go and tell my mom I'm thirsty and she say "drink some water" and I be looking at her like she insulted me .because she know dang right we got a whole gallon of kool aid in the kitchen, Everybody know I aint bout to drink no dang water and she know when she leave I'm going to get me a cup.

86 All reports are in, Life is now officially unfair.

87 When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you grapes, make grape juice. When life gives you machine guns, NOW it's telling you something.

88 If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

89 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

90 the Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

91 When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

92 I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

93 "I would rather people hate me for who I am than love me for whom I am not."

94 Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful and not let other people spend it for you.

95 Life isn't about the breath you take; it's about the moments that take your breath away.

96 Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow.

97 Love the life you live, live the life you love.

98 Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about CREATING yourself

99 "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."

100 if you won't cooperate why should I bother? Exactly my point, don't bother

101 its funny until someone gets hurt…..then it's hilarious.

102 Don't destroy the Earth! It's the only planet that has **chocolate**

103 We stopped looking for monsters under the bed because we realized they weren't just inside us, but all around us

104 Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good

105 One of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed. For no one can lay a hand on our dreams.

106 I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.

107 Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together

108 The friend is the man or woman who knows all about you, and somehow still likes you.

109 "It looks depressing outside when the sky wants to rain but the rain just doesn't want to fall."

110 "Practice makes perfect but nobody's perfect, so why do we practice?"

111 "Dark and terrible times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice…between what is right and what is easy."- Albus Dumbledore

112 We have to laugh, scream and smile to survive."

113 What lies before us, and what lies behind us is tiny compared to what lies inside us.

114 "You are today where your thoughts brought you… you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you."

115 "Shoot for the moon… so even if you miss, you land among the stars."

116 think of our destinies as a horizon, _just as you reach it,_ there's another one just up ahead…"

117 "Just as the sun sets, it rises in another place. When our hopes fall, they just rise in a different aspect, so our hopes are never lost

118 it's not weather you got knocked down, its weather you get back up"

119 The price of my heart is eternal love. Sorry, but it's nonrefundable and there are no exchanges because it's one-of-a kind. So please, don't go and break it

120 if the pen is mightier than the sword then how come actions speak louder than words

121 It's like I've been kidnapped and dumped on Mars, left to hitchhike my butt back to Earth. But some sweet aliens were nice enough to drop me off in Texas and let me find my way from there

122 The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination

123 Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

124 what are your names? Why do you not like yours?

125 why did you keep running when we told you to stop? Were we supposed to keep walking?

126 why did you commit such a crime like that? Would you rather we commit a crime a different way

127 who is the leader of this game? Sorry but we aren't offering any jobs right now so you don't even have to ask

128 Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

129 flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

130 Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings

131 Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected

132 Worst excuses for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from

133 Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

134 There are three sides of an argument - your side, my side and the right side which is my side without any pain

135 three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: "Hold my purse"

136 You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark

137 Sometimes I lay awake at night, and ask myself, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night

138 Everyone has problems finding their car keys, finding a cell phone, or remembering where they last parked. But I bet that everyone can find a snooze button from 3 feet away, eyes closed, first time, every time

139 When someone talks about you behind your back, remember they took time out of their pathetic lives to think about you

140 A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed. I tried it once, my goldfish died

141 No one is perfect that is why pencils have erasers

142 I didn't trip I was just testing gravity...ya well it still works

143 People that don't know me think I am quiet. People that do wish I was

144 I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!

145 The movie 2012 is going to be really funny when we are all watching it in 2013

146 Someday your prince will come. Mine? Oh he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions

147 our parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk. The rest of it there telling us to sit down and be quiet

148 I don't get when people say "guns don't kill people, people kill people". But I don't think if you stood there and yelled "BANG" will kill many people

149 When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh"

150 I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, "Hello?" As if the bad guy is going to be like, "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?

151 who says nothing is impossible I've been doing nothing for years

152 isn't it funny when day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different

153 in matters not whether you win or lose it matters whether I win or loose

154 Don't frown because you never know whose falling in love with your smile

155 Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened

156 "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

157 "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

158 You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

159 To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world

160 "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present

161 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

162 "Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?"

163 "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."

164 The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze them?

167 "Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil."

168 "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water

169 "Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and Ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind."

170 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

171 "The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

172 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

173 "Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere

174 "The only mistake in life is a lesson not learned."

175 Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

176 "We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about."

177 "If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy work... It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the candy wrapped inside it."

178 I love talking about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about

179 Wisdom is timeless and doesn't change, knowledge changes over time..

180 The greatest knowledge you can gain is knowledge of the Truth

181 Knowing others is knowledge; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.

182 "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something."

183 "Never mistake knowledge for wisdom .knowledge helps you make a living .wisdom helps you make a life

184 "Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it

185 love me or hate me personally I could not care less

186 "By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third, by experience, which is the most bitter

187 true love is 'the summation of parts working together in such a way that nothing needed to be added, taken away, or altered

188 love is always unseen unless you say something

189 insulting is a privilege of my position and should not be abused

190 "imp in love with you and since I'm planning on staying in love with you, I think it's only fair if you love me back, what do you think?"

191 To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down

192 darkness does not always equate evil; just as light does not always bring good

193 Never annoy a writer. She may put you in a book and kill you!

194 If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.  
>If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.<br>If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.  
>If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.<br>If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

195 people like u r the reasons we have middle fingers

196 you're a great friend but, if zombies are chasing us I'm tripping you...But if vampires r chasing us, trip me, I'll b fine **(a/n I'm obsessed with twilight and I want to be a vampire)**

197 I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive

198 It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.

199 WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls...and doors ...and people... maybe fall off the occasional cliff

200 Join the Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.

201 If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder it would be an apocalypse

202 Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.

203 Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

204 I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me

205 Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a crap

206 My haters are my motivators

207 I believe that life is a prize, but to live doesn't mean you're alive.

208 I know they say that first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

209 I would take moments out of my time to insult you, but sorry you are not worth it

210 I know where you live; You live in that house, on that street, in that block, in that city, in that state, in that country, in that world

211 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?  
>Stop singing and read on….<p>

212 Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

213 have you ever wondered who was the guy that said "See that chicken there… I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its bum"

214 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

215 Don't think too hard. I know it looks easy, but for you it could be highly dangerous

216 If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

217 Going to church don't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car

218 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

219 How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

220 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

221 I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

222 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

223 Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with

224 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right

225 You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

226 i was living in my own happy little world, but then you came into my life and ruined it -me

227 Why are both of SpongeBob's parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge?

228 Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?

229 Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to put our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

230 How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do something childish or immature they tell you to grow up.

231 Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"

232 Watch your thoughts; they become words.  
>Watch your words; they become actions.<br>Watch your actions; they become habits.  
>Watch your habits; they become character.<br>Watch your character; it becomes your destiny

233 Try a thing you haven't done three times, once to get over the fear of doing it, twice to learn how to do it And a third time, to figure out whether you like it or not.

234 People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing – that's why we recommend it daily.

235 "I'd insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand and if I tried to explain it to you, your brain might implode from information overload

236 you: "Did I ask for your opinion?"  
>Me: "Nope but guess what you got it anyway!"<p>

237 Unless you've lived my life, don't judge me because you don't know, never have & never will know every little thing & detail about me.

238 Everybody has their own recipe for liquids that made them sleepy. The common one would be warm milk or for others... cold medicine.

239 Sometimes you make me so mad I want to throw you in the middle of ongoing traffic, but then I realize I would probably kill myself trying to save you.

240 Girls: I cannot stress this enough: if you are not being treated right by a guy, don't wait for him to change. Ditch his sorry disgrace-to-the-male-population, and find someone who will treat you with utter respect

241 I run with scissors; it makes me feel dangerous

242 Keep on talking and maybe one day you'll say something intelligent.

243 You can't make somebody love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope for the best!

244 Being happy don't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections

245 Sometimes I want to kill you so bad and very slowly Limb by limb, but the sad thing is, that isn't slow enough for you. -me

246 wow I'm impressed such a big head with such a small brain, you're intelligence astounds me.

247 On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key, this means "Before you start plan A, make sure you have a plan B" also "to be sure you don't get loss find a way out first"

248 Why do little kids sing ring around the Rosy when it symbolizes the Black Plague, or the Bubonic Plague?  
>1. One of the first visible signs of infection was red rings surrounding a rosy bump, all over the victim's body (ring around the Rosie)<br>2. Posies were herbs thought to ward off the plague. (Pocket full of posies)  
>3. The ashes are reference to cremation, blackened skin, and the burning of victims' houses. (Ashes, ashes)<br>4. All fall down was of course referencing inevitable death. (We all fall down)

249 Why do we sing jack and Jill when it's about Jack and Jill falling down a hill and cracking their skulls open?

250 Why so we sing humpty Dumpty when it's about an egg that falls to his death and breaks into a million pieces?

251 Why do we sing London Bridge is falling down when it's about a bridge falling down, people fixing it with different materials and then the bridge falling down again after all that hard work?

252 Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

**Things I Hate About Everyone**** and everything:**

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Dang right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? I'm going to kick their but

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the movies and stare at the dang floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the heck? Life is the longest dang thing anyone ever does! What the freak can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here?

10. When your happily eating some food and someone comes up to you and ask "is that good?" no i always eat things that taste bad

11 I hate people who use the elevator for one floor. If you're disabled, or the floor is inaccessible, fine. But being fat doesn't count as disabled.

12 I hate it when I ask for help, and someone recommends the obvious answer. For instance, I ask someone in the office "Why doesn't the copier work?" and they say "Oh, you just need to hit the copy button," like I'm a stupid. Of course I tried the copy button. You think I'd be asking for your help if that worked? What makes it even worse is when I say "I have" and they say "Are you sure?" 1st of all are you going to ask that question, and 2nd of all why would I lie about that

13 I hate it when I ask a question and people respond by asking how I don't already know. For instance, I'll ask "How do you play Sudoku?" and the person answers "You don't know how to play Sudoku?" if I knew would I be asking this question

14 I hate it when people point me in the direction of Google as a first-resort. For instance, I'll ask, "Do you know how to get a business loan?" and the person responds, "Try Google." you be like what the freak, I already spent an hour on Google. I wouldn't be talking to you if I could help it. Then they compound the stupidity when they come over and show me how to use Google. "See, Google's a very nice tool," they say. Thanks for wasting my time

15 when people say "Excuse me, are you in line?"-No, I'm just standing behind all these people for no reason. Yes, I'm in line and you better back off because I was here first

16 i hate when ugly people say they need their beauty sleep. No you need to hibernate

17 when people say their favorite color is rainbow. WHAT THE FREAK last time I checked rainbow aint a color. plus there are 7 colors in the rainbow red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet and I know someone is going to say "I like black, white, purple or pink" but guess what those colors aren't in the freaking rainbow

18 when people say that someone has autism when they really are just retarded. That's not even fair to people that really have autism because someone with autism can be very smart. There is a big difference.

19 when people say "trust me" when it's regarding something they really have no freaking control over. Like, "Trust me, the Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl in the next five years." What? Why? Who are you? Do you have some sort of knowledge of the future? Why should someone "trust" that your prediction is going to be accurate? Are you that self assured and confident that we should all abandon our own opinions in favor of your clearly superior one? The phrase itself is just annoying. Well, I _was_ going to stick to my guns on this one, but then you told me I should trust you... so forget it, whatever you say. That is just sad

20 I hate when people put my glasses on and say "Wow you're really blind!" that's like going to people in wheelchairs sit in them and say "Wow you really can't walk"

21 i hate when people say "water is free "does that make juice a dolor

22 I hate when your eating those peanut butter crackers and when you look on the rapper it says 'peanut butter & jelly'. I don't see no freaking jelly on this cracker

23 I hate when people directly drink out of a carton, like if I'm in the house with you and we'd end up sharing this milk, why the freak do you think ima drink this when you'd put your mouth all up on it, and just, drink it as though it all yours

24 I hate when you get a movie from the store and they have it in this stupid cover, what the freak em I suppose to do with this [paper cover box]? Why do I need all this extra stuff for? I don't need this, don't give me this, you just wasted trees all over this freaking movie, I just want this [cd holder] and the disc. Its plain retarded cause all I need is to know is what the title is and if it's a cd or a tape

25 I hate when I'm in class and the teacher just explained something, and everybody asked the exact same question that they [teacher] just answered. WE were in class the other day and our teacher was talking about this field trip we were about to take and the teacher was like meet in front of "Jessie Hall" at 11, and right after he was done with that sentence this girl raises her hand and asks "Where do we met? What time? And I'm like what the freak, would it kill you to pay attention the teacher just spent 10 min on where to go and what time and you're really going to ask that question.

26 I hate being labeled; I hate people who think they know me when they don't even know half

27 I hate when people say they hate their lives, you need to change your life up. Nobody is in control of that but you.

28 I hate when you're on a trampoline and you get shocked. And not that little "Oh-how-surprising-that-kind-of-tickled" Shock. I'm talking the debilitating kind of shock that takes you to the ground cursing Benjamin Franklin for being the stupid bustard that discovered electricity. It hurts and it is annoying. And after a few times you be like "what the freak, did I ever do to you trampoline", and then people think I'm crazy for talking to a trampoline (even though we already knew that) but still.

29 I hated when someone asks you to do something you have no control over, for instance when people say "make it stop raining" or "stop being taller than me" that's like telling a cow to give you eggs instead of milk

30 I hate when people say they slept like a baby, but don't baby's wake up every two hours

31 I hate it when people say "They really need to write a book about my life." Whoever "they" is needs to be shot if they publish a book about your life. Your life is boring, and reading about it will give my eyes diarrhea

32 I hate it when people spray Lysol or febreze to make something smell better. News flash: those chemicals smell like industrial garbage. I'd rather smell the dog crap on the carpet then the stuff you just poisoned my lungs with.

33 I hate it when you're taking a dump in a public bathroom, and there are six empty stalls, and someone comes in and takes the stall right next to you. Whichever presidential candidate makes that illegal gets my vote

34 I hate people who ask the people in the toilet cubicle "Are you done yet?" Yeah, I'll just come out here and finish my piss.

35 I hate people who ask me if they can eat some of my food and when I refuse, they get mad. Guess whose food this is mister freeloader? Just because you say you got no money don't mean you can't just go to your house and get some of your food. And then you try guilt trip me into giving you my food. Do you think I care? You can go starve.

36 I hate it when people talk on the phone for 30 minutes and when I start talking on the phone for five minute, they say, "HURRY UP, YOU HAVE TALKED FOR 5 MINUTES." You just talked for 30 freaking minutes and you're telling me to hurry up when I been talking for like 5 minutes, that is just retarded

37 Bagels, I don't get how people can do the ABSURD ACT OF EATING PLAIN BREAD WITH NO TOPPING OR TOASTING. My favorite bagels are the $2 bagels that you get at the store-the ones you actually TOAST and put cream cheese on. Yet so many people will go order plain bagels and just EAT THEM PLAIN! I maybe blowing this out of proportion but I can't remember seeing someone walk into a Wal-Mart, buy a loaf of bread, then casually eat it while walking around on the street, hands in pockets, whistling, all the while moaning in pleasure for how "mmmmmm good" it is. I hate you, bagels.

39 I hate when you're laying down on your bed with your eyes closed and someone comes up to you and says "are you going to sleep". No I'm just practicing for when I die, oh wait never mind I'm just studying my eyelids.

**Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...**

1 On Sears's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.  
>(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)<p>

2 On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside  
>(The shoplifter special)<p>

3 On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.  
>(And that would be how?)<p>

4 On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.  
>(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)<p>

5 On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down  
>(Too late! you lose!)<p>

6 On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating  
>(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)<p>

8 On packaging for a Rowena iron: Do not iron clothes on body.  
>(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body)<p>

9 On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.  
>(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those forklifts.)<p>

10 On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness  
>(One would hope!)<p>

11 On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.  
>(Hmm I guess...Something must have gotten lost in the translation.<p>

12 On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.  
>(As opposed to use in outer space)<p>

13 On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.  
>(Now I'm curious.)<p>

14 On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.  
>(No peas?)<p>

15 On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.  
>(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one.<p>

16 On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.  
>(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)<p>

17 On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.  
>(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)<p>

**The difference between a good friend and best friend**

_Best Friend: Someone who will have your back no matter if you're right or wrong, but that person will also put u in your place when you step out of line, ride or die person, a person you will do anything for and the same goes for them, someone you can absolutely trust with your life and your heart and your secrets_

_Close friend: a person who will have your back to an extent, someone who you keep close but also at a distance._

_Good friend is like an associate: someone you might talk to every once and a while, but you won't depend on them because you'll bond isn't that strong_

A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.

A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend already has a shovel ready to bury the loser who made you cry.

A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.

A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.

A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

A good friend has never seen you cry. A best friend won't tell anyone else that you cried...just laugh about it in private with you when you aren't down anymore.

A good friend asks you to write down your number. A best friend has you on speed dial.

A good friend will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. A best friend will kick the whole crowd's butt that left you.

A good friend knows a few things about you. A best friend could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story.

A good friend tells you she knows how you feel. A best friend just sits down and cries.

A good friend gives you advice with your date at the movies. A best friend goes with you and hides in the back, watching every moment

A good friend bails you out of jail. a best friend will be in the next room saying "dang we messed up"

A good friend addresses your parents Mr. and Mrs. and grandpa grandfather best friend will address your parent's mom and dad and grandpa gramps

A good friend knocks on your bedroom door. A best friend barges right in

A good friend walks in quietly when going into your house. A best friend steps in and yells "IM HOME"

A good friend is only though high school or college. A best friend is for life

A good friend will take away your drink when they think you had enough. A best friend will look at you stumbling all over the place and say" girl drink the rest of that you know we don't waste"

A good friend bowers your stuff a few days then give it back. A best friend losses your stuff and says "my bad...here's a tissue"

A good friend asks you for anything to eat or drink. A best friend helps themselves and that's the reason you have no food

A good friend will ask what's wrong when you're upset. A best friend will pretends you're alright because she knows you'll tell her when you want to, and you know that you will

A good friend will stand up for you. A best friend will let you fight your own battles and later on slap you and say "Toughen up"

A good friend stands behind you. A best friend stands in front of you

A good friend tells you everything will be ok when your house is on fire. A best friend is there roasting marshmallows and hitting on firemen

A good friend comforts you when you cry. A best friend goes out and kills the guy who made you cry.

A good friend will tell you what you want to hear. A best friend will always tell the truth.

A good friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A best friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A good friend will bail you out of prison. A best friend will be sitting next to you saying "dang that was fun!".

A good friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A best friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A good friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed. A best friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A good friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A best friend calls you after you had a fight.

A good friend has never seen you cry. A best friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A good friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A best friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A good friend expects you to always be there for them. A best friend expects to always be there for you.

A good friend is someone you enjoy hanging out with. A best friend is someone you need.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend is in the next room sayings "I told you to run faster"

A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you

A good friend will help me find my way when I'm lost. A Best Friend Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions

A good Friend will help me learn to drive. A Best Friend will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance

A good Friend will watch my pets when I go away. A best Friend Won't let me go away

A good Friend will help me up when I fall down. A Best Friend will point and laugh because she tripped me

A good Friend will go to a concert with me. A Best Friend will kidnap the band with me

A good Friend hides me from the cops. A Best Friend Is probably the reason is after me in the first place

A good Friend Lets me make an idiot of myself in public. A Best Friend Is up there making an idiot out of herself too.

**This Blonde was so stupid that...**

-she called me to get my phone number.

-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

-she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

-she tried to drown a fish.

-she thought a quarterback was a refund.

-she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

-she tripped over a cordless phone.

-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

-she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

-she studied for a blood test.

-she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

-when she heard that 90 of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

-when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

-when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

- A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in a blondes freezer?

A: She forgot the recipe

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

A: Write, "Turn over," on both sides of a sheet of paper, and give it to them

NEW INVENTIONS BY blondes

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

**In my mind**

A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tells him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live.

**Childhood cartoon characters**

Dora! Boots! "Come on Dora! Do-do-do-do-do-Dora! Do-do-do-do-do-Dora! Do-do-do-do-do-Dora! Do-do-do-do-do-Dora! Dora Dora Dora the explorer! Boots that super cool explore, Dora! Need your help! Grab your backpacks! Let's go! Jump in! Vaminos! You can lead the way! Hey! Hey! Do-do-Dora! Do-do-do-Dora! Do-do-Dora! Do-do-do-Dora! Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping! (Oh man)Dora the explorer!

1 ABCDEFG Barney is my enemy stick a shotgun up his nose pull the trigger there he goes ABCDEFG Barney was my enemy.

2 I hate you, you hate me let's get together and kill Barney with a great bix axe and a bullet in his head sorry kids but Barneys dead.

3 I hate you, you hate me I've got to go and kill Barney shoved his head straight through a door no purpler dinosaur

4 ABCDEFG, Barney is my enemy, stick a shotgun straight though his eye, pull the trigger wave bye, bye! ABCDEFG Barney was my enemy

5 I hate you, you hate me, and we're a dysfunctional family. Then a shot rang out and Barney hit the floor, No more freaking dinosaur.

6 I hate you, you hate me let's get together and kill Barney with a 3 by 4 and nail him to the door no more Mr. Gay dinosaur

7 I hate you, you hate me let's get together and kill Barney with two shot guns and a bullet threw his head lets all cheer cuz Barneys dead. Yay Barney dead!

8 I hate you, you hate me lets be friends and kill Barney with a great big shotgun and a really big sword no more purple dinosaur. THE END

9 I hate u, u hate me Barney stole my mp3 so I picked up a forty four shot him in he's head OMG that Ninga Dead

10 I hate you, you hate me, Hey come on; let's kill Barney with a big shotgun...BANG, BANG! On the floor No more stupid Dinosaur

11 I hate you. You hate me. Barney stole my mp3. So I kicked him in the balls and shot him in the head! Now that purple Bastards dead

12 I hate you, you hate me. We are freaking enemies. With a kick to the butt and a blow to the head, ha-ha-ha cause you are dead

13 I hate you, you love me. Get the freak away from me. Then a shot rang out, BANG Barney hit the floor. Yes I hate that dinosaur

**The white man got told**

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."The black man turned around and stood up He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism

**Best argument ever**

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already made fist and say, "oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you

**Funny drabbles**

**1  
><strong>**read this**  
><span>i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  
>uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal<br>pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a  
>rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't<br>mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the  
>olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer<br>be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl  
>mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.<br>Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed  
>ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.<br>Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling  
>was ipmorantt! tahts so cool.<br>If you can't read this read it again

**2**  
><span><strong>hush little baby<strong>  
>Hush, little baby, don't say a word,<br>Mama's going to buy you a mockingbird.  
>And if that mockingbird don't sing,<br>Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring.  
>And if that diamond ring turns brass,<br>Mama's going to buy you a looking glass.  
>And if that looking glass gets broke,<br>Mama's going to buy you a billy goat.  
>And if that billy goat won't pull,<br>Mama's going to buy you a cart and bull.  
>And if that cart and bull turn over,<br>Mama's going to buy you a dog named Rover.  
>And if that dog named Rover won't bark,<br>Mama's going to buy you a horse and cart.  
>And if that horse and cart fall down,<br>You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.

**3**  
><span><strong>reverse physiology<strong>  
>I come before you, to stand behind you,<br>To tell you something I know nothing about.  
>Admission is free, so pay at the door;<br>Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.  
>One bright day in the middle of the night<br>two dead boys got up to fight.  
>Back to back they faced each other,<br>Drew their swords and shot each other.  
>A deaf policeman heard the noise<br>and came to kill those two dead boys.  
>One dead boy who had no feet<br>Began to run down the street.  
>The other dead boy who could not talk,<br>Said "Oh, Policeman, let me walk."  
>If you don't believe this story's true<br>go ask the blind man, he saw it too.  
>There is something absolutely perfect about imperfection<p>

**4**  
><span><strong>never leave people<strong>  
>"A dog sits waiting in the cold autumn sun.<br>Too faithful to leave too frightened to run.  
>He's been here for days now with nothing to do,<br>but sit by the road waiting for you.  
>Can't understand why you left him that day.<br>He thought you and he were stopping to play.  
>He's sure you'll come back, and that's why he stays.<br>How long will he suffer? How many days?  
>His legs have grown weak, his throat's parched dry.<br>He's sick now from hunger and falls, with a sigh.  
>He lays down his head and closes his eyes.<br>I wish you could see how a waiting dog dies".  
>Never leave people it's just not right<p>

**5  
><strong>**gummy bears are evil****  
><strong>ABCDEFG  
>gummy bears are eating me<br>one is red  
>one is blue<br>the yellow one just ate my shoe  
>Now I'm running for my life.<br>The blue one's got a butcher's knife.  
>ABCDEFG<br>gummy bears are eating me

**6  
><strong>**this is why brunettes rule they even have there on song  
><strong>I'm a BRUNETTE and I'm a cutie,  
>Mess with me and I'll kick your booty,<br>Redheads are smart,  
>Blondes think they're cool,<br>Well think again,'  
>Cause BRUNETTES rule!<br>Losers stare make a fuss.  
>Just one question<br>jealous much?  
>(PS: Edward likes us better!)<br>**(A/n I'm obsessed with twilight)**

**7**  
><span><strong>what's the point of bullying?<br>**Calling me Fake won't make you real.  
>Calling me Stupid, won't make you Smart.<br>Calling me Weak, won't make you Strong.  
>Calling me Ugly, won't make you pretty.<br>Calling me Poor, won't make you Rich.  
>Calling me Fat, won't make you Perfect?<br>So why bother?

**8**  
><span><strong>REMEMBER WHEN…<strong>_**  
><strong>_getting high meant swinging at a playground?_  
><em>The worst thing you could get from a boy was cooties?_  
><em>When mom was your hero_  
><em>and dad was the boy you were going to marry?_  
><em>When your worst Enemies were your siblings_  
><em>and race issues were about who ran fastest?_  
><em>When - WAR- was a card game_  
><em>and life was _simple_ and care free?_  
><em>Remember when all you wanted to dowas grow up_  
><em> 

**9**  
><span><strong>reasons to join the dark side<strong>  
><span>A) We have cookies  
>B) We don't pay our electricity bill<br>C) Meet the recruitment bunny  
>D) You get a cool dark cape that covers your whole body<br>E) You get a cool crazy evil laugh  
>F) You get to walk out of shadows mysteriously and freak out the good guys<br>G) One word: UNDERLINGS. Someone to get things for you when you're too lazy to do them yourself  
>H) $$$(Notice that we're usually richer than the good guys)<p>

**10  
><strong>**you know you live in the 21st century when****-****  
><strong>1)you accidently enter your password into the microwave  
>2)you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years<br>3)the reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a MySpace or face book  
>4)you'd rather look all over the house for the controller than just pushing the button on the TV<br>6)your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job  
>7)you read the list and kept nodding and smiling<br>8)as you read the list, you think about showing your friends  
>9)and your too busy to notice #5<br>10)you actually scrolled up to check that there was a #5  
>11)and now you're laughing at your stupidity<p>

**11**  
><span><strong>I Need To Tell You a Secret <strong>**  
><strong>

{1.) Look at 5}

{2.) The answer is look at 11}

{3.) Don't get mad look at 15}

{4.) Calm down don't be mad look at 13}

{5.) First look at 2}

{6.) Don't be that angry look at 12}

{7.) I just wanted to say... I Love You}

{8.) What I wanted to tell you is... THE ANSWER IS ON 14}

{9.) Be patient look at 4}

{10.) This is the last time I am going to do this look at 7}

{11.) I hope you are not mad when I say this look at 6}

{12.) Sorry look at 8}

{13.) Don't get mad look at 10}

{14.) I don't know how to say this but look at 3}

{15.) You must be really mad look at number 9}

**12  
>Six Truths of Life<strong>**  
><strong>1 you cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.  
>2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it<br>3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.  
>4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.<br>5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.  
>6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.<p>

I apologies about this...  
>I'm an idiot and I needed company."<p> 


End file.
